These are portrayed as objective standards divorced from subjective experience, and are deeply associated with extrinsic reward and punishment, social approval and disapproval. That is, if your partner is unwilling to meet your needs, create a plan to meet those needs yourself, but dont do so in a way thats specifically designed to punish your partner. What starts as a conversation escalates into a fight in which the original issue gets forgotten, you lose track of what youre even yelling about, and nothing gets resolved. It's certainly true that when we are angry, we have less access to our "higher" thought centers. When we closet-fight, MFP write, The message is: Youre bad, youre bad, youre bad. It is presumed that it is necessary to motivate people extrinsically, and that it makes sense to coerce people to do things that they dont intrinsically want to do. At the same time, as real as this danger is, I want to also honor that NVC aspires to support people in transforming the way they relate to life at a deep level, not just the way they speak, and that at times NVC can be movingly effective in producing this result. To address some of the issues youve raised, I think it will be helpful to offer a little more background on NVC as I understand it. In so doing, MFP write, your partner can hear what youre feeling without being overwhelmed or bludgeoned by it. Here are some examples: Even more than what we say, our body language conveys how were actually feeling. Its more about (1) modeling that sort of expression we might be interested in (i.e., one supportive of mutual compassion), (2) signaling that we we are interested in what is going on for the other in a non-blaming way, and (3) making ourselves vulnerable (by offering a guess that could be wrong) rather than asking them to vulnerably reveal themselves without offering any vulnerability of our own. Im curious about the apparent intensity of wanting to know more (you say, "I have questions"), with regard to some of these examples. After a true transformation, the (moralistic) judgment is gone, replaced by a new way of experiencing the situation. Readers will likely need to reference the essay,A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC),to make sense out of my responses. Invisible anti-spam without CAPTCHA, questions, puzzles, counting animals, math and etc. I am grateful for the food for thought supplied by your naming these concerns. They are the judgments that go into formulating what will be expressed. As alluded to above, I think you are severely misinterpreting NVC's stance on "praise and compliments." I am curious about ways in which we might explicitly talk about interpretations as a part of conversations intended to transform conflicts. There is, of course, a danger that someone may not transform their anger, yet misinterpret NVC to mean they should pretend they're not angry, and this may lead to some of the sort of negative consequences you're concerned about. Do you really think thats a good idea?. Based on the story I made up, I judge that your conclusion sounds like a stretch, an example of using free association to try to force data to confirm your hypothesis of a problem. I recommend to my NVC students that they not use the word need when attempting to speak using NVC, to help avoid this pitfall. As I understand it, what Dr. Rosenberg says amounts to expressing concern about some nuances of how we appreciate and encourage one another, not something that goes against the basic idea. I think it was more about establishing a certain detachment with regard to our judgments, not taking them too seriously, and developing a habit of using our judgments as doorways to deeper, more loving, experiences. (I notice that sometimes an anger-related emotion might get toned down in the way it is named, e.g., someone feeling furious might say theyre angry and someone feeling angry might say theyre feeling irritated (or irritation?) It would be better to say, Ive been waiting here for 20 minutes. In this case, the judgment may still be present, but the driving energy that created, strengthened and sustained the judgment is likely to be gone or greatly weakened because Im not identified with believing the judgment or focusing on it, neither am I resisting it, and Im attending to the underlying concern that the judgment arose to call attention to. Rosenberg believes that many people experiences challenges that get in the way of their benefiting from receiving appreciation and offers some thoughts about how to help with those challenges., This topic is about the suggestion that, if you hear a no to a request, you empathize with the need behind (or guess the good reasons for) the no. In 1973, apparently Marshall Rosenberg specifically cautioned against talking about needing something, out of a concern that this would convey an unhelpful sense of Its an emergencyI have to have this thing I say Im needing. Over the years, Marshall wrestled with how to address certain problems that he wanted NVC to be able to address, and this eventually led to Marshall including something he chose to call needs as a central feature of the model. I'm guessing that, implicitly, you have some criteria about what type of things that we do in our minds rise to a level of importance that not sharing them would be a concern for you. In an example that I find surprising, Dr. Rosenberg won't say that in his opinion violence is harmful, as this would be a 'moralistic judgment' (p.17). I am also intrigued by the ideas of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC), as developed by Sharon Strand Ellison. I have a sense that your "second-level want" is philosophically close to NVC's "need"both are about going to the deeper meaning that is at the heart of the conversation. Moving away from moralistic judgments is central to NVCs agenda of paradigm change. And, in conflict situations, Ive experienced talking in this way as having had a rather limited capacity to transform conflicts. I think this can happen even with people who are quite practiced in the form of NVC. how to use html tags in java string; windows 11 startup programs folder; cmake object library tutorial; what your 3rd grader needs to know pdf; allusion and alliteration Im tired of your perpetual poor me attitude., Maybe if you were more of a man, youd be able to handle this., Youd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it., Youre just being ungrateful like always. ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. The open question isnt about whether discernment happens and is valuable, but about how it is likely to be useful to express this. NVC does, I think, invite us to examine more closely certain beliefs, especially beliefs that we think we can only express in moralistic terms. Fight spam! But, if we're conscious of the risks of making up stories about things, we can also check our beliefs in other ways, by naming observations, or by being curious about the good reasons another person might have had for their choices (i.e., the needs behind their actions). There is probably something to be learned about skillful use of requests so as to not fall into this trap. The other person is then free to express their reasons in whatever way is natural for them. Here are some examples of global labels, and how they could be better rendered as specific critiques of behavior instead of character: As MFP put it, the essence of a you message is simply this: Im in pain and you did it to me. And theres usually this subtext: You were bad and wrong for doing it to me. When people slight us, it may be true that they are entirely, or almost entirely, to blame. I take Dr. Rosenbergs admonitions about thoughts as an invitation to notice when conversing at the level of interpretations isnt getting me where Id like to go, and when that happens, to be willing to drop down to a deeper level of awareness where I feel into what is happening, notice the barriers to open-heartedness, imagine the human aspirations in play, and remember my intention to find a way forward that works for everyone, or at the least, honors my deepest values. Clean 21 Cleanse Program . Also, expressing two different levels of "wants" may help "connect the dots" regarding the meaning one is making out of a situation, in a way that expressing only one level (even if it is at a deep "need" level) might not. Your Clean Talk examples provides a context that can soften this response but one can go further towards . I think he was trying to express his sense that a certain stance of the heart was the true key to navigating human relationships in a way that would align with our deepest aspirations. nwcompass~org?subject=Feedback%20on%20your%20NCC%20post%3A%20Response%20to%20a%20comparison%20of%20Clean%20Talk%20and%20NVC, A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC), nwcompass.org/bob-wentworth/blog/cleantalk-nvc-response/, Response to a comparison of Clean Talk and NVC. Our service allows you to focus your time on developing and improving the website and business, without being distracted by extraneous tasks. You say, "If we're not willing to say we believe that violence is bad in any way, why are we devoting time and effort to nonviolent communication?" Gain access to our free classifieds marketplace to buy, sell and trade equipment. His comments came as he spoke to a group of reporters on read more. As to the risk of making empathy guesses (guesses about anothers observations, feelings, needs, etc.) Text. I think there are two main strategies for shifting our habit around (moralistic) judgment: The first practice requires setting aside time to do this work, over and over again. Real-Time Email Address Existence Validation to increase your conversion rate. 30, 33, 72, 86, 122, etc.).. Water resistant membrane panel operates with a light touch. The result highly resilient work partnerships that produce positive performance. Talking about needs which are understandable to and valued by all serves as the basis for talking about what matters to people, including what matters interpersonally (which traditionally was thought to require moralistic language to address it). Cleantech Communication supports clients in realizing brand value. The communicative 'affordances and constraints' of BIM structured meeting conversations away from less structured, open-ending problem-solving and towards agenda-driven problem-solving around. But, these can be reduced, over time, with practice. For NVC to offer rigid rules would not be congruent with the type of attitudes NVC hopes to foster in its practitioners. However, NVC notes some risks in expressing things in this way, and offers guidance as to how one might reduce those risks. Furthermore, part of our work in The Crucible Projectis the encouraging of each person to practice clean talk communication. Other NVC practitioners have had enough experiences like this that they didn't enjoy, that they have gotten to a point where they overcompensate in the other direction, and avoid using their connection skills in settings where people are trying to get things done. It contributes in an enlivening way to my own explorations of communication. CleanTalk uses protection methods which are invisible for Its seldom something that can be done in real time in the middle of a conversation. Is there a second-level want that it would be beneficial to express? ACT, as the name implies, is an active therapy, directed toward living fully while accepting what is not within our control and committing to actions that are within our control to make life meaningful and fulfilling. You say "Clean Talk allows for the expression of anger in the same manner as other emotions and contrast this with NVCs encouragement to transform anger and then express what was at the heart of our anger. NVC leads to a realization that it is really valuable to orient oneself to assuming there is some positive reason behind a no, and being curious about that reason. We collaborate with founders and company leadership who have ambitions that align with our own to blaze a new path forward. By way of evidence that NVC's approach to anger can lead to profound transformations, I'd like to mention a domestic violence intervention programthat is based on Nonviolent Communication achieved a zero-percent recidivism rate (after 5 years) among convicted batterers, where the best conventional intervention program for this demographic is said to lead to around 40 percent recidivism. I and other NVC practitioners sometimes check for anothers willingness to hear our (moralistic) judgments related to them, or express our willingness to hear anothers judgments of us, and with this agreement, and with clear acknowledging of the judgments being what they are, exchanging judgments can be very helpful and clarifying. It seems like you struggle to be on time. Unfortunately, how to communicate with ones significant other in a healthy, positive way is something rarely taught to either men or women. They become your regular visitors. You also say "it seems to be inviting a discussion of reasons with no clear guidelines for how reasons might be expressed safely using NVC. Actually, one of the main reasons for suggesting guessing the reason, as opposing to simply asking for a reason, is to model the type of reasons one is looking to hear. What we say makes total sense to us, because we have the entire context of it in our heads. We only recommend products we genuinely like, and purchases made through our links support our mission and the free content we publish here on AoM. Dr. Rosenberg had a habit of sometimes saying things that were shockingly extreme, I think as a way of trying to jar people out of well-established mental ruts. Invisible to the visitors, spam protection has a positive effect on the loyalty of the site's audience. cisco sd-wan cloud onramp for saas deployment guide clean talk communication. When I guess the reason behind the no, its essential that we guess a reason that we express something that is perfectly human and understandable and which contains no hint of blame. This clarifies that we interested in understanding, not in blaming and doing battle. Yes and they are also signals concerning what is going on inside us, about how we have processed the information about what is going on around us. The premier brands our team has collectively supported across the cleantech value chain represent over $1 trillion in market capitalization. I agree that sharing interpretations doesn't always hurt, and I dont advocate never sharing them. Without anger, I wouldn't know that someone had crossed my boundaries, invaded my privacy without my permission, blamed me for something that wasn't my fault, taken advantage of me, 'put one over on' me, or 'crossed a line.' You continue, "Anger is a signal that a boundary has been crossed. Yes, making beliefs explicit and expressing them, can help with this but I wonder if there is support for realizing the tendency towards beliefs to be unduly limiting in the experiences they allow us to access? You also say "Dr. Rosenberg isn't a Jungian, so perhaps he believes that it's possible to stop our inner river of judgments from flowing if we try hard enough.". I can understand why Dr. Rosenberg might want to focus primarily on moralistic judgments, and use judgment as a convenient shorthand for that, while you might prefer to use judgment in a broader sense. Clean Talk can afford to be more restrictive in how it defines feelings since saying thats not a pure feeling simply changes how the idea gets expressed, not whether it gets expressed. Your partner may come to accept the implementation of your ultimatum or it may drive a wedge in your relationship. But blanket condemnations of your partners character are anathema to a loving relationship. seeming condescending the tonality one uses can affect how this is received. Some of the feelings words you express concern about point to experiences that point to particular physiological responses which I would feel regretful if it became forbidden to name them. Are you wanting the moral authority that would come with associating concerns about violence with something more weighty than personal fears and values? Note to self: Is there something Id like to tell students to give them more guidance about how to navigate potential reactions to empathy guesses by people not used to NVC? You write "I believe judgment makes it possible for us to grow emotionally and spiritually by allowing us to distinguish how we act from how we wish to act. In NVC, this process is supported through the naming of needs, which are essentially values that we want to live into. I hope you've gotten something out of this as well. ". I don't know how to make sense of a standard that would imply we have to (impossibly) say everything we are doing, or be judged as being violent. Needs reflect the most distinctive and profound aspect of the NVC model. Over time, our energy may more naturally go the a way of relating that is not so driven by judgments. Theyre liable to answer: Im sorry, but this is the way I am! Thus, in using global labels you wash your hands of any responsibility for the problem, while at the same time, your partner will feel unable and unwilling to do anything about it eithernot a recipe for effective conflict resolution! Folding your arms, tensing your jaw, squinting, looking disgusted, balling up your fists, fidgeting in an irritated way, and rolling your eyes are all behaviors that make you seem closed off, hostile, and unwilling to communicate. And, if what I did was wrong means, knowing what I know now, I wish I had made a different choice I feel sad and long for the wisdom to make different choices going forward then I wouldnt regard that as moralistic and would be happy to have it be expressed. What Should You Do? What is Clean Talk TM ? The best for a personal blog or small or medium size business website. Its tragic that a disturbing number of people get introduced to NVC in a way that leads them to imagine that referring to what we need as a tactic for trying to get ones way has something to do with, or could be in integrity with, the practice of NVC.

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